Creating Connection: Parenting in a Pandemic

I recently spoke to a newspaper reporter who had questions about current issues of returning to school and how to be there for children and self during such a different time. As I thought about this in-depth, I realized that COVID-19 has shown a light on this need that’s always been present. We always need help combatting issues that arise, both now, and throughout our children’s lives.

Navigating the Divide

I get it. It is harder now as the divide continues to widen during such unprecedented times. Do you send your kids to school or keep them home? Maybe you encourage them to wear masks, or maybe you are against them. You may identify strongly with one party or the other. Wherever you stand on each of these issues, how you behave, speak, and show an example to your children can be a life skill for them. Are you teaching intolerance of the other opinion? Or are you demonstrating trying to understand where they are coming from? Most decisions are not made in a flippant way, yet we often forget that what is best for us is not necessarily what is best for everyone. 

There is a need for kindness and acceptance in our differences. In these differences, we each are generally striving for a better place for our children and ourselves. This is most often done from a place we feel is the best for them. And even our neighbor who does it differently than we do is usually coming from this place, too.

Kids & Teens are Watching

As hard as it may be for the adult in this situation, your children will be leaning on you, looking to you, and learning from you. During this, adults need to self-care, not self-medicate. Think of carrying around a bucket full of water. In this role, you are ladling water to your kids, their school, their activities, and their well-being. Oh, and maybe you are married and have a job and your own friends, so you are ladling water to them too. Suddenly, you realize you're scraping the bottom of your bucket, trying to give more, and can’t understand why your anxiety, anger, and/or depression have increased.

We cannot give what we do not have. When your children, people, and places need you, how do you give them something you do not have? Refilling your bucket will help you give in a less anxious, more-kind way. What fills your bucket? If you don’t know, find out and start doing it!

Remember, your children and teens are stressed, too. They may not understand when they are, but with everything going on, they have stress too. They may act out and be impatient. Or maybe they are not acting themselves, becoming more withdrawn. Do they need their bucket refilled? What can you do to help them? 

Creating Connection with Your Child or Teen

As a starter, be there for them! Hear them. Validate them. Have empathy even if what they say looks different from your experiences. Refrain from telling them they should behave or believe as you did when you were young.

When was the last time you took your child on a date (even just a walk around the block)? When you are together, ask about them, then listen. Don’t correct. Remember your child is a growing, developing human whose brain is maturing. And during the teen years especially, they are navigating what independence looks like. Give them a moment to figure things out before you correct them. Allow them to make mistakes in a safe, non-judgmental way. This allows them to feel confident in trying, failing, and getting back up when they are supported instead of criticized. This dynamic helps you connect with your child.

Believe things they say. Assume the best from them. Don’t immediately criticize them for an action or statement. PAUSE! Then, allow them to talk and explain. Are your return statements and actions setting them up for failure or success? Oftentimes, we assume things and our children may be right. And that’s okay!

I’ve said this in other blogs, but if you are with your child, be with your child. Even with everything else you have going on, they will feel if you are present with them or not. Wherever you are, be there!

Remember, during adolescence, friends are important to your child. Their opinions are important to them. Validate your teen’s fears, excitements, and worries about their friend’s opinions. Then, engage in a conversation that will allow for you to understand where they are what they need from you. Chances are, they may only need a safe, listening ear.

Helping Your Child Find Control

There are few places children and teens have control of themselves and their choices. Think about what it is like for adults to have no choice, to have nothing given to us to guide us. This is not to say our children do not need guidance and teaching, only that we can provide for them at home what they may not get other places. And, especially during the pandemic, we are one of their main sources of information and interaction.

Further, this allows them to become more connected to us as they learn we trust their choices.  As the parent or care-taker, you make the frame. Letting them help you create that fame can give children and teens a sense of control. Allow them to make choices within that frame. If your rule is your children shower daily, let them choose if they want to have the blue towel or the green one! If they are worried about going to bed, let them choose if they go with no nightlight or a nightlight. At storytime, do they want one or two books (that choice alone may lessen the time a parent spends saying no when they beg for “just one more!”)?

Control During the Teen Years

During the teen years, an example of considering their input could be “what time can we come to a compromise on for curfew?” And within that frame, what arrangements can they make to get home? Giving them some power and say helps teens become independent decision-makers. And they will be more often wanting to rise to the occasion to make good decisions as they are experiencing trust from you.

Talk about what they CAN control. One thing occasionally used in therapy is having a child, teen, or adult trace their hand. Once that is finished, have them think of a hard situation, then write or draw the things within the hand they can control.  After that, have them write or draw the things outside of the hand they have no control over. Finally, talk about it.

When we do these things, we begin to create a safe place for our children to come to when times get harder.  As you may have noticed, I believe the best tool to combat…whatever the issue, is connection. And connection develops through time, talking, respect in vulnerability and differences, and love toward each other. As you may have experienced, there are times it is wonderful and times it is not easy. In either case, be gentle with yourself in your experiences. You are trying. Keep it up!  Remember, you got this! 

Kory Ann Rogers, MS, LCPC, ACLC, Clinical Director

About the Author

I believe people are born good and have an innate drive to constantly do better. I also believe when things happen in our lives that prevent us from reaching that potential, we may need gentle guidance to help us reach the potential we desire. Working together, we will strive to find the ways that will individually suit you, using your strengths, to help you reach your personal goals. Having worked with individuals from age 7 to 90, couples, individuals, and families, there is a need for diversity in counseling to reach people where they are.

Working with couples, we resolve conflict, improve relational satisfaction, communication skills, and gain an understanding of dysfunctional interactions. Working with families, we seek to reduce distress and conflict by improving interactions. When part of the system is cracked, broken, or just needs work, the guidance of counseling can be helpful.

Counseling can be, and is, very effective when both parties work for the desired outcome. As a counselor, I will work with you to help you reach your personal goals. My goal is to aid, support, guide, and advocate for you during this time.

Check Out Teen Counseling in Bozeman, MT

Parenting in a pandemic is hard! If you’re reading this blog, it’s likely that you’re seeking support for connecting with your child or teen. Our Bozeman, MT-based counseling practice offers teen counseling to help teens and parents navigate the adolescence period. If you’re interested in getting your teen into teen counseling in Bozeman, follow the steps below.

1. Connect with us by scheduling an appointment.

2. Your teen will be matched with one of our teen therapists.

3. Reconnect with your teen and begin building a healthy relationship.

Other Services at Bridger Peaks

Our counseling practice in Bozeman, MT provides an array of services to meet your mental health needs. We offer couples therapy and marriage counseling to help you reconnect with your partner. On the other hand, we provide individual counseling, anxiety treatment, postpartum depression treatment, and more! And all of our services are available to anyone in the state of Montana using online therapy. Reach out to us with any questions or to schedule an appointment.

Self-Reflection: A Key Step to Dismantling Racism

“Racism largely persists not because of hate, but rather because of the inaction, 

passivity, tolerance, and denial of racism...”

As our country reels from the horrific killings of Elijah McClain, Ahmaud Arbery, Breonna Taylor, George Floyd, and countless other black Americans, many of us are struck with a sense of powerlessness. While we unfortunately cannot bring back these lost lives, one important step we can all take is cultural self-reflection, which is the process of exploring how the cultures we live in shape who we are (Goodman, 2015). Understanding how our identities and culture interact can help us better recognize in which ways our lives are easier or more difficult than the lives of others. One way we can engage in this process is by examining how we may experience privilege and oppression within our culture. 

To demonstrate this self-reflection process, I will examine my own identity as a cisgender, bisexual, half-Filipino/half-white man living in a Western, American culture. As a cisgender man, I have access to certain privileges that my female peers do not. I am treated with less hostility and objectification, and I am generally paid at least 25% more than my female peers even if we both produce the same quality of work (Conner, Glick, & Fiske, 2017, p. 295). Additionally, my status as a cisgender man means I am less likely to experience poor legal protections, poverty, harassment and stigma, violence, healthcare barriers, and barriers to identity documentation than my transgender peers (Human Rights Campaign, 2020). 

At the same time, I also believe that the bisexual and Filipino aspects of my identity make me more prone to certain forms of oppression. As a bisexual man, I am more likely to experience erasure and isolation than my heterosexual peers (Legge, Flanders, & Robinson, 2017, p. 141). I am also more at risk of experiencing negative consequences from colonialism such as depression and low self-esteem than my white peers (Felipe, 2015, p. 28-29). While these details do not compose my entire identity, they do provide a good starting point from which I can begin recognizing the strengths and gaps in my cultural knowledge. 

For example, because I have had firsthand experiences with racism, there have been times when I have been more attuned to racist microaggressions than my white friends who have not had such experiences. At the same time, I have blind spots about the prevalence and severity of sexism and transphobia that many women and transgender people experience. Learning about my portrait can therefore allow me to continually grow as a person as well as better empathize and understand the experiences of others. Additionally, by better learning how our culture and identity, one can most effectively combat racism and oppression. This is because racism and oppression largely persists not because of hate, but rather because of the inaction, passivity, tolerance, and denial of racism by those in power (Sanchez-Hucles, 1999, p. 71).

Along with better understanding our own cultural background, taking the time to educate ourselves about different cultural backgrounds has been found to be immensely beneficial in curtailing racism (Guern, 2005, p. 57). One crucial piece of education we can all learn is the term “antiracist,” which is a person who is actively opposing racist policies through their actions and expressions of antiracist ideology (Kendi, 2019, p. 13). Taking an antiracist stance is key because simply being “not racist” is not enough to combat racism as inaction has been found to perpetuate racism and racist policies (Kendi, 2019, p. 13). 

In addition to education, one can begin to take actions that actively dismantle racism and racist practices. Such actions include actively voting for policies that promote racial equity,  advocating within social and professional groups that all racial groups are equals and none needs developing or assimilation, and actively rejecting cultural hierarchies and equalizing cultural differences among racial groups (Kendi, 2019 p. 13 - 81). To learn more effective antiracist policies, I recommend reading Ibram Kendi’s (2019) excellent seminal work How to be an Antiracist.

This work is not easy and does not simply stop after a certain point. Uncovering blind spots is a consistent, lifelong process. However, such work is crucial if we wish to create a more equitable, inclusive, and antiracist community. Creating such a world is key because when oppression is practiced, it damages not just the victim but also the oppressor (Sanchez-Hucles, 1999, p. 71).

About the Author:

Isaac Rider, MS, PCLC

Life is challenging, and we all need help along the way. I believe being accepted in a compassionate and non-judgmental manner is the key to fostering sustainable, holistic growth and healing. 

I view my clients as the experts of themselves. As your counselor, I would encourage you to direct the course of your treatment and strive to provide you with a safe, supportive environment where you can bolster your inherent strengths. To help you obtain such growth, I work from a collaborative, person-centered framework to help you navigate through your personal and interpersonal distress. 

My strengths include deepening self-awareness, developing coping skills, fostering effective and clear communication, and processing trauma histories. I have worked with individuals ranging from 18 years old to 55 years old and strive to provide you with a relevant, developmentally appropriate counseling experience. I enjoy working with both individuals and couples.

Additionally, my focus in multicultural counseling will ensure that we can work in a manner that is sensitive to your background and history. I also welcome any feedback about how I can continue to provide you with a more inclusive counseling experience 

I have a MS in Mental Health Counseling from Montana State University, and I am working towards my clinical counseling licensure under the supervision of Rachael Dunkel, MS, LCPC, LAC, NBCC as well as Kory Ann Rogers, MS, LCPC, ACLC.