Playing Defense

I’ve always prided myself in playing defense. As a short, feisty basketball player back in the “glory days” I felt confident in my defensive skills. I thrived off following the ball, not unlike my dog, and doing everything I could to take hold of it. In some instances, I would go overboard, accumulating a foul, and quickly being reminded of the line in which too much defense ends in consequences. 

If you’ve made it through the first paragraph, you might be wondering, where is this basketball analogy going. If you are unfamiliar with the game, then you may find yourself totally lost. Regardless, the key word I want to highlight is defense and I challenge you to consider where in life you may be playing defense, and what purpose is it serving you?

When I consider defense as a clinician, I often think about relationships and how common it is for both parties to put up defenses, closing off any easy way of communicating issues. It is a protective factor that is put into place to shelter the individual, however, it can create a barrier that intensifies the situation.   

There are a few tactics you might find yourself in when you decide to put your defenses up. Below is a list from PsychCentral of defense tactics that are often used in relational conflict.

1. Placating- a person decides to overlook any feedback and brush it aside, such as “yes, okay, sounds good.”

1. Invalidating- while perhaps self-explanatory, this involves undermining what the other person’s experience is. 

1. Guilting and Globalizing- avoid providing any feedback by turning the conversation inward and playing victim to the person who is attempting to communicate something they feel important. “You always do this to me. It’s all my fault. I’m never good enough for you.”

1. Narrowing- choosing to not address the issue and instead creating excuses as to why you cannot have this conversation or why perhaps you had a certain reaction. “I got stuck at work and had a really long day.”

1. Bullying- an intimidation factor that is used to make the other person feel lesser and often times closes off any feeling of safety to have a conversation with the other person. 

Other tactics include ignoring, transferring responsibility, one-upping, stonewalling, denying, and neutralizing. Have you ever found yourself using any of these tactics in a relationship, and if so, can you recall the outcome. 

While these tactics may feel like the immediate response, it is important to be mindful of the context. Of course the innate reaction is to protect ourselves but sometimes it’s best to take a time-out. With just a few simple steps, you can change the entire dynamic of the conflict or conversation. 

1. Take a step back! – breathe in and hold back any immediate reaction you may have.

2. Assess the situation. – where is your partners reaction coming from and have you listened to the context of what is being presented?

3. Consider the other person’s feelings. – yes, it may be hard in the heat of the moment, but if you allow yourself pause and put yourself in the other person’s shoes, you may have a different outlook on the information being communicated to you. 

4. What is needed in the situation? – even just asking the other person, “what are you needing from me?” can be a powerful tool to show that you are listening, you care, and you want to help. 

5. Listen. – what a unique concept! Many people want to fix or defend the situation, but what is often needed is just a listening ear. When people want advice, they ask for it. Slow down, stopping thinking about the impacts on yourself, and listen to what the other person has to say. 

Just as in basketball, it’s okay to have self-preservation, but there is a line. Going over that line results in consequences or fouls. Communication is key; both listening and verbalizing. I encourage you lessen your defense and embrace a bit of empathy. You might be surprised to see what comes of it. 

About the Author:

Dani Stack, MS, PCLC

3 Ways to Reenergize When Feeling the Burn

This world requires a lot of us. We are faced with many demands on our time, energy, and money. We have responsibilities at home, work, and in our relationships that require us to be present and attentive. These areas often compete with one another, causing stress. Now more than ever we are learning how incredibly important and precious our time and energy truly are. 

Chronic Stress and What Causes it

If we let ourselves, we can get caught up in thinking we need to do more, achieve more, and just be more. We can easily lose sight of what truly matters and feel like we have no control over our life or our decisions. Often, this type of pressured lifestyle, where we feel chronically stressed, can lead to feeling exhausted, overwhelmed, and burnt out. 

Chronic stress is defined as emotional pressure over a prolonged period of time where an individual perceives they have little or no control. It has a damaging effect on our health and wellbeing. If not addressed, chronic stress negatively impacts energy levels, motivation, mood, physical health, and other areas of our lives. 

The Physical Effects of Chronic Stress on Montana Residents

Have you ever had aches and pains seemingly show up out of nowhere? Or get sick after a big event or trip? This is your body telling you to slow down and pay attention. 

The body is the container we move through the world in. It holds all of our sensations, feelings, and stress. Because we live in such an action-oriented world that requires so much of us, our brains often override and ignore what our bodies tell us. We tend to overdo things, over-commit, and overwhelm ourselves. But if we slow down and listen to what our body is telling us, we can gather valuable information for tending to ourselves. 

Preventing or repairing the effects of chronic stress takes slowing down and finding ways to mindfully reenergize ourselves and destress. 

What to do Along with Therapy for Stress in Bozeman, MT

When thinking about the concept of finding things that reenergize instead of the drain, I was reminded of my clients. They ask, “what can I do in between sessions?!” I tend to take a second, smile, and say, “rest and play.” This is often met with a laugh or an eye roll, but I think it hits home for many people. Especially for those of us who have to get sick before we take the hint and take a day off!

Therapy for stress is a powerful tool when needing to slow down and feel less drain in your life. A therapist in Bozeman, MT will help you identify the causes of chronic stress in your life. Which will lead to you experiencing less burnout. However, there are important things you can start doing right now if you are feeling drained.

So, when feeling the burn of life, slow down. Listen to your body. Give these 3 ways a try to reenergize yourself:

1. Rest

Rest

To rest means to cease work or movement in order to relax, refresh oneself, or recover strength. We all know there’s nothing better than getting a good night’s sleep. But if that’s not possible, try to find moments of solitude within your day. Take a few slow, deep breaths during transitions from one activity to the next. Before jumping into your day, enjoy your coffee. I mean really enjoy it. Hold it in your hands, taste it, feel the warmth. If you can, communicate your need for a “rest day” to those in your life.

Play

To play is to engage in an activity for enjoyment rather than for a serious or practical reason. Kids get it. Adults tend to forget. Give yourself permission to play every day. When we carve out time to play, our relationships, health, attitude, and mood improve. Play enhances imagination, creativity, problem-solving abilities, and emotional well-being. It may take some effort to reengage or develop your playful, humorous side. Clear out time to have a game night, play with your kids or pet, do a puzzle, surround yourself with playful people. 

2. Play

3. Connect

Connect

We crave connection and a sense of belonging to others. We need it to feel whole. To connect is to feel seen, heard, valued, and understood and gain nourishment and strength from the relationship. Take a close look at your relationships and invest your limited time, energy, and attention into the ones that nourish, strengthen, and energize you. Make those the priority. For the other relationships, learn to set limits and boundaries to preserve your health and wellbeing

Final Thoughts From a Bozeman Counselor

In this chaotic world, we are faced with many experiences that leave us feeling stuck, hurt, and overwhelmed. In this place, it can be lonely, isolating, and exhausting. Sometimes we need help navigating through the storm. It takes courage, persistence, and vulnerability to look inside ourselves. As we grow, change, and find meaning in our experiences.

Start Therapy for Stress in Bozeman, MT

If you are ready to stop letting chronic stress affect your physical and mental health then we are ready. At Bridger Peak Counseling our team of Bozeman counselors is ready to help you start therapy for stress. Let us help you grow, change, and find meaning in your experiences. Reach out to schedule an appointment at our Big Sky, MT practice today.

Bridger Peak Counseling Mental Health Services in Montana

Our caring therapists offer more services than stress management. Looking to attend individual therapy? We offer anxiety treatment, depression counseling, trauma therapy with EMDR therapy. If you are a mother contact us to speak to a postpartum depression therapist about starting postpartum depression counseling. Our marriage counselors can help you start strengthening your relationship. At Bridger Peaks Counseling, we offer online therapy in Montana or attend in-person counseling.