My case of the "Twisties"

One of my earliest childhood memories was standing in front of the extra television that we positioned in our living room for the 1984 Olympic games. I vividly remember feeling entranced by Mary Lou Retton’s performance and visualizing myself competing on the same stage. I am fairly certain that I was not even a gymnast at the time, so this desire was met with the reality that I was not going to be an Olympic gymnast for a myriad of reasons. Since that moment, the Olympic games have held a special place in my heart, or so I thought. 

Many years later, I was on the start line of the 2004 Olympic trials, not as a gymnast but as a marathoner who came to the sport of distance running post collegiately. Here, I was about to live out that childhood fantasy in running shorts as opposed to a leotard. In the warm-up area prior to the race I popped a handful of meds that I recently began taking to treat severe anxiety and GI issues that presented themselves as soon as I began running on an elite level. The looks on the faces of my peers (who all happened to make the team that day) was enough to tell me that I was not in a good place, both physically and mentally. I already felt like an imposter in the land of well conditioned athletes and now it was confirmed and I had to run 26.2 miles. I can’t tell you what happened in that race, but I finished, and instead of celebrating I was in an ambulance getting treated for something deemed physical; yet I knew the truth, it was my mental health.

That event, and a series of others, led to my demise in the sport of running at an elite level. It was probably very obvious to those around me what was happening yet I never felt like I had the space to share my story. I tried talking to professionals, but I always felt misunderstood or unappreciative of the opportunities that I was afforded. Plus, there was no way after decades of being rewarded for being tough and strong that I would let down my guard to state that I did not feel like I was enough. 

Fortunately for me, I was not the G.O.A.T like Simone Biles, nor did I bear the weight of a country expecting me to win at all costs. I was able to work through my anxiety and my relationship with sport privately, only letting those close to me know how ashamed I felt for not being able to handle the stress of professional sport. I learned that my identity as an athlete was not my whole identity and that I was worthy of love despite race results or if I was wearing a Nike kit. Over time, this version of me has been strengthened and my identity as a human includes being an athlete, but my worth is never contingent on performances. 

So, how does my story relate to the “twisties” or Simone Biles? When I struggled with my mental health back in the early 2000’s it felt like I had lost my footing. I was disoriented and disconnected to the people and things that made me feel grounded. I felt like I had been tossed up into the air without anywhere to land. I had my childhood dream, yet it wasn’t bringing me happiness. As more and more athletes shed light on their own mental health journey and the immense amount of pressure that they feel as athletes, I have become less enamored by the concept of being an Olympian. I have many friends and former teammates who are Olympians and their accomplishments are tremendous, but it does not make me think differently about who they are as individuals. See, when we put athletes, or anyone for that matter, on the proverbial pedestal, they will fall. We all fall eventually, which is a part of the human experience and it doesn’t mean that someone needs to be cancelled. In Simone Biles’ case, she knew that she could actually fall and endure a horrific injury. So, she told the world that she wasn’t going to fall for them, she chose herself knowing that her worth as a human extends beyond the walls of the gym. 

I watched the Olympics, but only the highlights on Youtube. I saw some incredible performances along with some heartache. I am grateful that Toyko was able to pull off the games despite Covid and that the athletes got an Olympic experience. To be honest, I didn’t think much about the games for the first time since I was that little girl watching Mary Lou compete. My focus is more on the aftermath, hoping that resources are devoted to supporting the mental health of athletes. I hope that the athletes find peace following the games and see their complete selves, not just their athlete self as worthy. 

How Silence Can Be a Gift

I remember being struck by the sound of silence late at night.

Silence.

Only four hours earlier my sweet sister-in-law took her last breath on this earth while holding my hand. Prior to her death, my mind was running amuck with this, that, or the other thing while caring for her needs. My body was overriding my experience in the face of so many needs and exhaustion. 

Now all was silent. 

Yet the quiet was almost deafening. Why, I ask myself? Because it was time for me to stop, to pause, to begin to open up to the world inside my being that longed to be heard, felt, and sensed. Life had moved so quickly from one whispered breath to the stillness of death. I had just experienced the death of someone whom I deeply loved.

This experience led me to think about how in the busyness of life it is so easy to miss the opportunity to take time to be silent and tune into what needs to heard, felt, or sensed.

Right now. In the here and now.

I wonder what possibilities might emerge if we stop and take the time to be silent. Silence can be uncomfortable. As a Provisional Somatic Experiencing Practitioner, I have had many opportunities over my three years of training through Somatic Experiencing International to experience silence. I was able to take time to drop underneath my conscious radar and experience a felt sense in my body. A felt sense is internal body sensations. For example, one can experience a felt sense of safety which the body experiences but can be difficult to put into words.

Dr. Peter Levine, the developer of Somatic Experiencing, states, “to experience embodied awareness, take notice of the underlying sensations that actually inform you about how you feel.  If you were to be asked about how you feel when you are stressed or in pain, a common answer might be, “I feel anxious” or “I feel upset”. It’s important to go further by becoming curious about how you know that you’re feeling anxious or upset. Is there a tightness or burning that is happening right now inside of you that you are labeling “anxiety” or “upset?”. 

Silence Can Help You Heal

In my experience with my sister-in-law, it was important for me to take time to embody the experience I was having. I needed to allow my body to discharge the trauma that I had been through in order to avoid PTSD. This healing began in the silence of that night. 

Embodied awareness can be experienced when we pause and take time to give our bodies the opportunity to fully experience the moment to allow tingling, shaking, or tears. As we do this, our bodies can drop below the conscious mind to allow for a somatic response. This brings regulation and better flow to our nervous systems.

If you’re looking for more resources, the SCOPE chart is a great place to start. It was originally developed by SEI during the early months of the pandemic for first responders. This chart 5 steps people can use to stabilize during stress. I do hope that you can allow yourself a window of silence and experience some relief and peace. 

Begin Grief Counseling in Bozeman, MT

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Other Services at Bridger Peaks near Big Sky, MT

Our counseling practice in the Bozeman, MT area can help you and your family members with many mental health concerns. We see teens and adults for individual counseling, which includes depression therapy, anxiety treatment, body image counseling, and more. Reach out to our caring therapists with any questions.