Insights into Not Knowing by a Bridger Peaks Counselor

Blank page that is all I see. 

So much opportunity.

Yet I am stuck and feel trapped.

Confined by the edges.

Shall I wait longer?

Accept what comes up.

Look for something different or dance with the familiar.

I am so tired.

This may pass through the night.

Open my heart to heal.

The meaning appears elusive.

Shame in not knowing.

I will never pretend to be a writer or know “how” to craft a poem. These were the words that came to my mind as I sat down to write this blog. It started with the intent to capture the writing experience from the perspective of someone who lacks confidence in their writing ability. To lean into what I find hard, which would allow for a much deeper understanding of what my clients are experiencing in session. To be fully transparent, I started this piece months ago and have been hiding from it like my puppy does after she gets into the garbage can. I felt paralyzed by not knowing what content would feel relevant and relatable to the reader. 

The weather has finally reminded us all here in Montana that it is indeed winter. The last few days have been snowy, cold and icy. Not ideal for a distance runner who trains in the dark, early morning. I was caught off guard this week when I vocalized to a friend that I enjoyed breaking trail and the harsh conditions that we were running through. The next day I was met with the same excitement about getting out the door early in what felt like -15 degrees. As I navigated the conditions running, I tried to draw a relation between my ability to embrace the “hard” in some areas of my life and then hide from it where I see weakness. 

I believe that I am not alone in this struggle and that oftentimes we are drawn to hard things that we are comfortable working through and resolving. But what about the stuff that makes us hide? How can we lean into that? Well, if I looked back to the late 2000’s and reminded myself about how I felt with winter running there would be little to no enthusiasm. I was flat out spiteful that a good snow would disrupt my routine. I got to the current state of positivity through years of showing up to do the work. I did not look at my resistance as a weakness, but instead an opportunity to evolve into a versatile athlete. I drew pride and confidence day after day, year after year, making the commitment to winter running. I even sold my treadmill!!!

Well, where am I going with all of this?!?! In order to lean into the hard things it is so important to keep showing up with an openness to opportunity. It will take time and patience with a slice of humility, perhaps a dog or two to break trail with you. It is almost the start of the new year, so I am going to take my winter running mindset and apply it to writing with the hopes that eventually I get excited about the opportunity to embrace the hard. Maybe my poems will improve or my efforts will elicit support from a gifted writer, either way I am going to be patient with the process. So my message is to find your hard, as it may also turn into your joy!

About the Author:

Jeanne Cooper,
PCLC, ACLC

We all hold value and purpose, yet there are times in our lives when we lose sight of our "why". Finding direction can simply start with the acknowledgement that it is okay to ask for help. Being open to allowing someone to join you on life's journey with a willingness to make incremental changes can lead to personal growth and fulfillment. As a clinician, I create a space for clients to feel heard and to find their way by gaining a clearer sense of self. I take a person centered approach that incorporates CBT, motivational interviewing and mindfulness, adapting my practices to meet the unique needs of each individual. As a former collegiate and professional athlete, I believe that the mind body connection can be used as a tool to regulate emotions and shift mindsets. Through the therapeutic alliance, we will identify strengths and find ways to translate those skills to all areas of life.

I graduated from Villanova University with a BA in Psychology and earned a MsEd in Counseling from Fordham University. I am currently working towards my LCPC and LAC licenses in MT under the supervision of Rachael Dunkel, MS, LCPC, LAC, NBCC as well as Kory Ann Rogers, MS, LCPC, ACLC. I spent nearly two decades in education counseling adolescents and now see individuals finding their "why" at all stages of life. My concentrations include anxiety, depression, eating disorders, substance use disorders and sports psychology.

A Bozeman Counselor's Perspective on Navigating Seasons of Change

As the chill of the season begins to be felt in my bones and I am mesmerized by staring into the flames of a wood stove fire, I contemplate change. The seasons in Montana lend themselves to a sense of change as summer turns to fall and the crisp frost of winter begins to appear on the grass waiting to be enveloped by white flakes. Change. Sometimes dreaded. Sometimes anticipated. Sometimes a surprise. 

As I focus on my own growth and change, I notice resistance at times and excitement at other times. How about you? What pushes and encourages you towards making change in your life? Have you considered what change really is? How often do you just wish that others would change and your life would then miraculously get better? 

Change is something that we experience deep inside and while the journey is one we must make ourselves we do not need to do it alone.  In my own somatic work, I have noticed the power of having another person witness both the pain and the empowerment of making change.  For me, a healing container which includes a circle of many people past and present makes the journey possible despite having to be the one to take the steps. 

Have you ever taken time to notice the subtle changes in your nervous system?  You hear a loud sound outside and your head turns towards the window in an attempt to see what the sound is.  This can be a bit jarring.  You hear the wind softly blowing on the branches and hear leaves drop to the ground with a scuttle.  This brings to mind a time when you were walking with your dog along the river and you take a deep breath as you recall that peaceful moment. Changes in our autonomic nervous system happen all day long and learning that we can spend more time in a regulated state can bring healing and peace.  Many of us tend towards a high sympathetic charge staying in fight or flight when it is unnecessary due to trauma we have experienced.  Others may tend to be more in a collapsed state of freeze, like an opossum feigning death. The good news is that despite what we have experienced in our lives, as we learn to take a nervous system pause and are open to taking time to notice what is happening in our felt sense, we can grow in our capacity to not only feel grief or sadness but joy as well.  As Peter Levine, the developer of Somatic Experiencing, wrote, “The paradox of trauma is that it has both the power to destroy and the power to transform and resurrect”.  This is the challenge of change. Am I willing to take time to focus on the change I so desire no matter how afraid I am? Am I willing to reach out and get the support that will help me as a human feel more fully alive while also being willing to explore the grief that makes me feel death like?   

I leave you some thoughts from Kahlil Gibran that I have contemplated this season as I walk my own journey of joy and sorrow. Each day as I allow my body to experience what is needed on this journey, the change is sometimes excruciating but I anticipate that the joy will be unimaginable.  

Then a woman said, Speak to us of Joy and Sorrow.

     And he answered:

     Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.

     And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.

     And how else can it be?

     The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.

     Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter’s oven?

     And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?

     When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.

     When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

     Some of you say, “Joy is greater than sorrow,” and others say, “Nay, sorrow is the greater.”

     But I say unto you, they are inseparable.

     Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.

     Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.

     Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.

     When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.

Excerpt from Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet at https://poets.org/poem/joy-and-sorrow