What is family life like around your house? Is it like the commercials with everyone running around, laughing, joy spreading? Maybe there is a lot of anger, hurt, and arguing. Or maybe your home and family life are somewhere between the two?
Humans Are Wired to Connect
Brene Brown teaches us that, as humans, we are wired to connect (2013). If we are not connecting, we are hurting, which is often why discord in a family and home can be so hard. We need to connect in a healthy, happy way with those in our circle if we can!
That being said, remember, that conflicts are a natural part of family life and relationships. Conflicts are not a marker of whether a family can be happy or not. In fact, they can be quite beneficial when handled kindly and constructively. Though it is much easier said than done for sure!
The Need for a Safe Place to Share
There is a need for a safe place to be provided in order for children to want to share with us as parents. If we are shaming, blaming, forcing them to share, or dismissing them in the time they want with us, that is not a safe place for them to come to.
The Relationship Bank
Think of the relationship as a bank. The more time you spend together, the more you do together in a way that feels safe and comfortable, and the more “deposits” are put into the relationship bank. The less time you spend together, or the more angry and more unsafe the relationship is the smaller the number of deposits put in the account. If this is the case, when there is a fight or anger, a “withdrawal” is made.
Prevent the Pain of Big Withdrawals by Filling the Bank
Think about how hurtful a big withdrawal is when an account is nearly empty. Ouch! On the other side, if the same size of withdrawal is made from a full account, it is much less painful. This is not to say any anger or disruption in the relationship is not hurtful, it is! Only that it hurts less, needs less repair, and is easier to manage when we have more in the account.
So how do we fill our relationship account? As a counselor, these are things I have seen work for couples, families, and relationships.
Spend Time Together!!!
Strong relationships need time and effort. There is a need for small deposits (think daily rituals) and a need for large deposits (think vacations).
Eat Together as a Family
Eat as a family once a day. Mealtimes are a great opportunity for staying in touch and sharing conversations. Try to eat together once a day. If you’re eating dinner together, ask for each person’s Peak and Valley, or Rose and Thorn for the day. If you’re eating breakfast, ask for the previous day's review. Remember, this is a place to be free of negative tone and judgment. Accept what family members are sharing.
Connect Personally and Individually
In addition to family dinners and outings, schedule one-on-one time with your partner and each of your children. While making weekly dates a priority with your partner, take turns taking your children on dates as well. This tradition can make a difference for a child, especially if they are going through something out of the ordinary. That one-on-one time can really make a difference in their life. You might even see their behavior change almost immediately. I know I have seen it happen!
Stay Active Together
Stay active. Like many families, you may be texting or watching TV even while in the same room. Put aside any passive entertainment to do something together. Think outside (the Caverns, bike rides, walks). Think inside (the museum, crafts together, making a list of things to do).
Have Fun Together!
Do you know if it is really okay to enjoy life together and feel happiness? I ask because, though we say it is ok, oftentimes we sabotage ourselves and don’t allow for happiness and joy in fun and life. Try giving yourself permission to accept these things. Make family gatherings and activities something you look forward to. Consider everyone’s interests when you’re planning meals, dates, vacations, etc. Remember, things don’t only have to be done one way. Let everyone take a turn at ideas and ask kindly for their thoughts on how to implement them.
Communicate Kindly!!!
Listen. Give your family members your full attention when they have something to say. Keep an open mind and resist the urge to interrupt. Put the phone down and use eye contact, questions, and gestures to show you’re interested and engaged.
Give Validation
You can acknowledge each other’s feelings even when you disagree. Let your partner and children know you care about their concerns without interruption or correction. Share your own similar experiences when appropriate to the conversation, but don’t try to “outdo” them.
Remember Choice and Balance
While family power dynamics are natural, you can still work at treating everyone fairly. Give children choices and ask for their input as much as possible. Children are often controlled and do not get a lot of choices in their lives. At home, school, the bus, sports, and anywhere they go, they are told what to do. We do better as humans if we are given a choice. What can you do in your family to create a healthy frame and allow choice at the same time? (Ex: your frame is a child must shower each day. Their choice within that frame, is to face the wall or the nozzle, the blue towel or the green towel, etc.).
Offer Praise
Ask yourself if it is okay to offer praise. Many of us were raised to believe giving praise was not an effective method. Try to appreciate the unique strengths and abilities of each family member. Encourage your partner to talk about their accomplishments at work, and be excited with them. Tell your children that you’re proud of them when they complete their homework or share their toys. Watch for reasons to praise them, not cut them down.
Teach the Tools and Skills You Are Practicing
Show your children how to resolve conflicts and talk about sensitive subjects with what you have learned here. If you would like more direction, click here!
A Few More Tools!!!
Create Rituals
Gottman (1999) talks about the importance of creating traditions and rituals within our relationships. From larger holiday traditions to nightly bedtime stories or table talk, these activities encourage connection and are often deposits in your bank. Develop your own practices that will reinforce your family values, giving everyone a stronger sense of belonging.
Everyone Does Their Part
Families are more connected when everyone contributes. Let your children know what a big difference it makes when they do their part to contribute. Try to pay attention to each one’s age, talents, and goals, then implement those here.
Plan and Prepare When Able
When you can anticipate events that may be challenging for your family to handle, plan ahead. Think about visitors that maybe he hard to enjoy, a teen breaking the rules, and other family issues. If you are able to work a plan together before the issues come up, we can feel more confident and connected.
Consider Counseling
When you feel like you need more help, or think an outside perspective could shed light on a recurring issue, consider therapy. Family counseling and therapy could reveal new options and give you additional tools for dealing with difficult situations, and the new perspective of a Therapist can often help identify problem patterns of behavior.
You can change unhealthy family dynamics, replace tension and arguments with collaboration and respectful conversation, and nurture a home environment that creates peace and happiness when you use these tools.
Begin Butte Counseling Services, With Bridger Peaks!
You can gain support to live the life you want in Butte, MT. By surrounding yourself with Butte's natural beauty and gaining support from our experienced team of mental health professionals, you can be confident that you have the tools and resources to help you on your journey. Whether we support you online or in person, we look forward to being part of your journey at our Bozeman, MT trauma counseling clinic. If you still have questions, we would love for you to read our FAQ page as well. Then, to get started, simply:
Meet with one of our caring, professional therapists
Begin moving forward on your journey toward healing and self-empowerment!
Additional Online Mental Health Services in Montana
From our Bozeman counseling clinic, our therapists can help you through a number of issues including anxiety, worry, stress, depression, and more. Our caring team of therapists and professional mental health staff are here for you and your loved ones. Visit us for addiction treatment, group counseling sessions, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing for trauma therapy, body image counseling, opportunities to explore coping patterns, marriage counseling and couples therapy, postpartum depression and anxiety counseling, mindfulness training, workshops, and more tools for client education. In addition to counseling, we also offer psychiatric care. We look forward to talking with you soon!
Resources:
Brown, B. (2013). Daring greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead. London, England: Portfolio Penguin.
Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country’s foremost relationship expert. New York, NY: Three Rivers Press.