Labeled a silent epidemic by a growing number of therapists and researchers, estrangement is one of the most disorienting and painful experiences of a parent’s life. I know this because I am part of this new Epidemic.
For most people, it is unimaginable for a grown man or woman to choose to stop all contact with their parents. The people who provided food, clothes, and shelter, attended dance recitals, volunteered at school, or cheered from the bleachers during every Friday night's football game.
Popular opinion typically tells a one-sided story of parents who got what they deserved or overly entitled adult children who wrongly blame their parents. However, the reasons for estrangement are far more complex and varied. As a result of rising rates of individualism, and increasing cultural emphasis on happiness, growing economic insecurity, and historically recent perception that parents are obstacles to personal growth, many parents find themselves forever shut out of the lives of their adult children and grandchildren.
Understanding Estrangement
Many adult children are comfortable criticizing or rejecting their parents because they are doing exactly what their parents raised them to do. Parenting doesn’t occur in a void. It is constantly shaped and directed by economic, social, and cultural forces well outside of our awareness. The decision to estrange a parent or reconcile with a parent, to reach out to a child, or to let them go is similarly influenced in these ways.
Healing the rift of estrangement is possible. However, shame, guilt, and anger can make the work much harder for parents than it needs to be. Just about every parent, estranged from their kids or not, harbors some degree of shame, regret, or feeling of inadequacy. Some parents hide it better than others, but if you’re in touch with reality, you know how easy it is to go wrong when raising another human being. Nobody gets it 100 percent right – not even close – and shame is the unfortunate by-product of caring how you’re doing. Although, this is a difficult and painful situation for any parent to face. There is no simple or universal answer to the question; “What should I do to reconnect with my adult child”, as different families may have different reasons and circumstances for estrangement.
However, some possible steps that a parent of an adult child can take are:
1. Respect the adult child’s decision and avoid contacting them if they have explicitly asked for no contact.
2. Seek professional help such as a therapist, or join a support group for parents of estranged adult children to cope with the grief, anger, guilt, and other emotions that may arise.
3. Practice emotional literacy and learn to embrace and tolerate every feeling without judging or blaming oneself or the adult child.
4. Take responsibility for one’s own role in the estrangement and acknowledge any mistakes or harm that one may have caused or enabled.
5. Work on improving one’s communication skills, boundaries, and empathy, and be open to reconciliation if the adult child reaches out or shows signs of willingness to reconnect.
Estrangement is a complex and painful phenomenon that affects many families. It is not always easy to understand or resolve, but it may be possible to heal and reconnect with time, communication, and compassion.
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Take the first step towards healing and hope by reaching out to us at our Missoula office. If you want to know more about estrangement, don't hesitate to reach out for help. Together, we can navigate through these challenging times and find the support needed for a brighter tomorrow. You're not alone – let's start the journey towards a healthier, happier life today. Follow the steps below to get started:
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Other Counseling Services We Offer in Missoula, MT
At Bridger Peaks Counseling in Missoula, MT we offer many types of mental health services. Some of the individual services we provide include addiction counseling, anxiety counseling, grief counseling, body image therapy, depression counseling, trauma counseling, and EMDR therapy. Are you a new mom struggling with your mental health? Postpartum depression counseling might be the right answer for you. Needing help strengthening and setting boundaries in your relationship? Then our therapists might suggest couples counseling. Our services are not just for adults. We also provide counseling for teens. If one of these services sounds like exactly what you need then great! Contact us and let us know. If you aren’t quite sure then our dedicated counselors will help you decide what the best fit will be. All of these services are offered through online therapy in Montana.