For as long as I can remember my confidence has been directly linked to my physical abilities. The playground scenario of being picked last was never my experience. In fact, I was usually picked first. When I faced insecurities in my life, mostly social, I drew upon this confidence and found ways to manage. Recently, debilitating anxiety caught me off guard. A life event I rarely share triggered it. Some of the anxiety around this experience is due to my awareness of how sensitive the topic is, so I will only speak to my own story.
Finding Out I was Pregnant
When I found out I was pregnant with my first child it was about one mile into a trail race that climbed several feet in elevation. The funny thing is that the first mile was a slight descent and I remember feeling this burning desire to lay down on the trail and sleep. The sensation stayed with me for the duration of the race. Then when I came to the finish my husband looked dumbfounded because my performance was a far cry from my fitness level. Two days later when the nausea and fatigue did not subside my sister encouraged me to take a pregnancy test.
Struggling With Shame & Embarrassment During Pregnancy
I always wanted to be a mother and the idea of pregnancy and childbirth did not bring up anything for me aside from excitement. I am the third oldest of nine children and watched my mom go through pregnancy with ease. As an athlete, I trusted that my experience would be the same. So, when I struggled in pregnancy I felt shame and embarrassment and began to not trust my body. After several weeks of bed rest, I went into the hospital a few days before delivery with all of the symptoms of labor. Only to be sent home because I had not progressed.
When my water broke a day and a half later I refused to go back to the hospital because I feared the disappointment. Then came the labor. Everything that I had learned about how to successfully have a natural birth still left me feeling ill-equipped for the actual experience. I felt primal and wanted to run off into the woods hiding from the humans poking, prodding, and whispering around me. The support of the medical team felt like an attack on the confident athletic woman whom I identified with for my entire life. How could I possibly need their help? I was born to do this and have worked my body for years to have the strength and endurance for physical challenges. It was when I heard the word “c-section” that I relented.
Shame & Grief Surrounding Labor
At that moment, I realized I needed to stop fighting for who I was and accept what was necessary at that time for both me and my daughter. After they gave me an epidural I felt like a complete failure. I dozed off for a brief amount of time and then awoke to more shame and grief about not having a natural birth. Why couldn’t I endure the pain? Was I weak? Did I convince myself for years that I was stronger than I actually am?
Mind you, I still had several hours until I actually delivered my daughter but it felt like I was watching someone else go through childbirth. When it was time to deliver I was told that it might take a while since I had the epidural. In my typical style, I saw it as a competition and pushed my daughter out quickly. The instant she arrived a wave of euphoria came over me and a deep connection between her and me formed. Unlike the pregnancy and labor, my recovery was smooth and quick. I was running within a week of delivery and raced a marathon six months later. Again, every woman has a different birth experience, and sharing my recovery is less about gloating and more about the shame.
Hiding My Labor Story
See, even with the immense and indescribable love that I felt (still feel!!) for my daughter, I was hiding a labor story that did not align with my expectations. I was afraid of telling anyone that I had an epidural because I was so grounded in my tough, strong identity, that was then threatened. I replayed the events of the three days leading up until her birth dissecting each decision to see if I could have changed something. What I came up with after many months was that it does not matter. What mattered was that my daughter and I were healthy and thriving.
The Less Talked About Stories of Pregnancy & Childbirth
I was listening to a podcast a few days ago with an elite runner who referenced the stories told about mothers in sport. We often hear about the women who return in a few months to break records or who get better following childbirth. What we do not know are the struggles that female athletes have when they question whether to trust their bodies. Or when their body does not feel like their own. We do not know how many women never return to their athletic selves because the recovery process is so taxing.
It was easy for me to share that I bounced back quickly and avoided complications such as postpartum depression. However, I failed to be transparent about the depressive state that I experienced while pregnant. How the hours before I delivered were some of the darkest moments to date that I have had as a human. How I questioned whether I could actually do it, meaning successfully birth the child inside of me.
Finding Clarity in my Anxiety, Shame, & Grief
As I am writing this, there is more clarity about the anxiety that came up for me recently. First, my daughter's birthday is soon and it is a big one as we enter another stage of development. Second, I am at another crossroads with my athletic identity and trusting my body to do what I know it is capable of doing. Third, I know how fragile this topic is and that there are many women (and their partners) who long to have a child.
Even as a Bozeman counselor I am anxious about writing this blog because the last thing I want to do is offend anyone or seem ungrateful. I recognize that I am beyond blessed to have children and that they were delivered without complications. I am grateful for the medical teams who were at my side through all three of my pregnancies. And I know deep down that sharing the full range of emotions that I experienced during this time can possibly help other women who did not have the birth that they envisioned.
What I ultimately learned was that I could grieve and feel immense joy at the same time. I also got to experience two more childbirths that were very different and reaffirmed that my body knows what to do even if it doesn’t do it my way.
Start Therapy to Address Your Shame & Grief in Bozeman, MT
As a mother and a Bozeman counselor, I understand how difficult it can be to reach out for support for your shame and grief surrounding pregnancy and motherhood. I want you to know that Bridger Peaks Counseling is here to provide you with understanding and judgment-free postpartum support. We are also here to support you through your pregnancy or years after giving birth. To get started follow these steps:
Contact us to make an appointment at Bridger Peaks Counseling.
Start meeting with one of our caring mental health therapists.
Start building shame resilience and living with joy!
Other services at Bridger Peaks Counseling in Montana
In our Bozeman, MT counseling clinic, we want to help support your mental health in whatever ways you need. Our skilled team of therapists and professional mental health staff are here for you and your loved ones. Visit us for addiction counseling, group therapy, EMDR, and trauma therapy. Additionally, we provide marriage counseling and couples therapy, anxiety counseling, postpartum support, depression counseling, workshops, and more! We look forward to talking with you soon!
