Boundaries...

BOUNDARIES: THE FOUNDATION OF GOOD SELF-CARE

There is a lot of talk about the importance of healthy boundaries in popular culture these days, but what exactly are they? 

Boundaries are Rigid & Selfish… Right?

When I ask others this question as a therapist, the answers I hear most often paint a picture of rigid demands or ultimatums that ignore others’ needs while prioritizing our own. Some people use imagery such as erecting a wall or drawing a line in the sand. Many people express concern that boundaries are inherently selfish and therefore undesirable. Much of the language I hear is confrontational. Almost all of it is outwardly focused. 

It’s no wonder that so many of us experience anxiety around this topic! Perhaps further exploration of the nature and purpose of boundaries can help. 

What Is The Purpose of Boundaries?

Brene Brown defines boundaries simply as “what’s ok and what’s not ok” (Brown, 2016). In her book Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself, Nedra Tawwab defines them as “expectations and needs that help you feel safe and comfortable in your relationships” (Tawwab, 2021). Note both of these definitions describe boundaries as ways we care for ourselves, rather than as measures we take to punish or manage others’ behavior. 

Brown’s research suggests a direct correlation between healthy boundaries and compassion (Brown, 2016). If this seems counterintuitive, it may be due to some common misconceptions about what it means to be kind. Many of us are conditioned in a variety of ways to view conflict avoidance and self-sacrifice as kind, Therefore assertive communication and self-care are seen as selfish. What if these views are themselves contributing to many of our challenges with stress, overwhelm, anxiety, and relationships? 

Not Having Boundaries For Myself Only Hurt Me

I spent much of my life equating kindness with conflict avoidance and self-sacrifice. The majority of my time was spent attending to the needs of others while doing my best to minimize my own. I regularly said yes to things I didn’t actually have the time, energy, or desire to do. Which made me burn the candle at both ends to make good on my word. I mostly bit my tongue about various hurts and disappointments, telling myself this was taking the higher road. I prided myself on being unconditionally available, reliable, supportive, and – above all – not “needy.”

It Hurts Our Well-Being & Relationships

One problem (among many) with this approach is that it is corrosive to our relationships and overall well-being. We all have practical, emotional, physical, spiritual, and relational needs. No matter how much we try to minimize or deny them. When we are not aware of and actively engaged in tending to them, they take on an outsized role in our lives and relationships. We can feel disconnected from our own personal agency. Our relationships can become breeding grounds for frustration and resentment. When we chronically and habitually say yes when we really mean no or bite our tongues to keep the peace, we water the seeds of that resentment. 

Putting Yourself First Is Necessary

Anyone who has flown on a commercial airline has heard the directive to secure your own oxygen mask before helping others. I’ll admit when I was a new mother, I thought this was absolutely ridiculous! It was unfathomable for me to consider attending to my own needs before caring for my child. Over time, however, I’ve come to better understand the wisdom of this principle. Self-care is a necessity, not a luxury item. And healthy boundaries are the foundational building blocks of good self-care. 

Brene Brown describes clarity as the basis of true kindness. She sums this up in a simple statement adapted from Alcoholics Anonymous: “Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind” (Brown, 2019). When we are reflective and honest with ourselves and others about our capacity, limitations, desires, preferences, etc., we create clarity in our relationships. This type of clarity promotes trust, security, and authenticity. It allows us to maintain a generous view of others, and to make intentional choices in line with our self-knowledge about what we want and need. Through doing so, we absolve others of the impossible task of reading our minds and reclaim a sense of personal agency in our lives. We begin watering some different seeds. 

Have You Found Your Clarity With Boundaries?

Think of a situation or relationship you are currently struggling with. Are you acting from the knowledge that clear is kind in this dynamic? Are you taking the steps necessary to secure your own oxygen mask first? If not, it may be an indication that clearer boundaries could help. According to Tawwab (2021), these signs can help us identify when clearer boundaries are needed: 

• Feeling overwhelmed

• Being resentful toward people for asking for help

• Avoiding phone calls and interactions with people who might ask for something 

• Making comments about helping people and getting nothing in return

• Feeling burned out

• Frequently daydreaming about dropping everything and disappearing

• Having no time for yourself

This list is by no means comprehensive but can be useful in assessing the health of our boundaries in various areas.

Start Setting Boundaries With Yourself

While some boundaries require an explicit conversation with another person, not all do. The following are just a few examples of ways we can begin experimenting with boundaries all on our own:

• Saying no to things we do not have the time, energy, capacity, or desire to do

• Scheduling time for ourselves and filling it with things that feed us

• Limiting our engagement with people, activities, media, etc. which leave us feeling drained

• Prioritizing rest and recreation

As you consider what areas of your life could benefit from improved boundaries, remember that they are fundamentally about taking good care of ourselves. As Brown says, “people learn to treat us based on how they see us treating ourselves… boundaries are a function of self-respect and self-love” (Brown, 2017). 

Get Guidance & Support With Therapy in Bozeman, MT

Reaching out for support from a therapist is an act of self-care within itself. Through therapy, you can start finding clarity and learn how to prioritize yourself. If you’re ready to begin counseling at our Bozeman, MT-based practice, follow the steps below.

1. Reach out to make an appointment.

2. Start meeting with one of our dedicated and understanding therapists.

3. Have confidence while setting boundaries with yourself and others

Other Counseling Services at Bridger Peaks in Montana

The skilled therapists at our therapy practice in Montana provide many services. Whether you’re in need of adult counseling, teen counseling, group therapy, rising strong workshops, or marriage counseling, we can help. Furthermore, we provide anxiety treatment, depression therapy, substance use counseling, and online grief counseling. Along with EMDR, trauma therapy, postpartum depression support, body image therapy, and psychiatric care. And, all of our services are accessible using online therapy in Montana.

Citations

Boundaries with Brene Brown. (2016). The Work of the People. Retrieved July 9, 2022, from https://www.theworkofthepeople.com/boundaries

Brown Brené. (2017). Rising strong: How the ability to reset transforms the way we live, Love, parent, and lead. Random House.

Brown Brené. (2019). Dare to lead: Brave work, tough conversations, whole hearts. Random House Large Print.

Tawwab, N. G. (2021). Set boundaries, find peace: A guide to reclaiming yourself. A TarcherPerigee book. 

Grief, Depression...

GRIEF, DEPRESSION & TENDING TO THE SOUL

I was recently introduced to a book called “Care of the Soul” by a dear mentor who has helped point me toward tending to my own soul once again. In particular, I was guided and then drawn to a chapter called “Gifts of Depression.”  Immersing myself in this chapter, both by reading the entirety of the chapter, certain lines, or at times paragraphs over the past months, has been quite timely for me.

What if Depression isn’t Good or Bad?

Thomas Moore states, “What if ‘depression’ were simply a state of being, neither good nor bad, something a soul does in its own good time and for its own good reason?” (p. 140).  Earlier in the chapter he wonders about the idea of colorizing old black and white movies and if it might behoove us to consider gray, blue, and black as also important in the landscape of life. 

So often we are quick to chase away the so-called “negative” and “bad” feelings and yet perhaps they have something to teach us. Certainly, if someone is in the depth of depression and considering suicide one needs to get the person the depression counseling and support that they need in that darkness.  And yet once stabilized, I wonder is there something that the soul can learn and gain from that darkness?  Moore suggests that “we offer it a place of acceptance and containment” (p. 141). 

Grier Counseling: Acceptance & Containment

Notice the words acceptance and containment. I often reflect on the various times of grief in my life and how I either numbed it out or pushed it away. Not wanting to feel the pain and sorrow that the experience brought to my soul. And yet now, as I allow that grief to emerge, accept it within the containment of support of others and within my own body, it can be embraced and transformed.  Through this process, I am tending to my soul. 

Moore discusses the importance of not wallowing in but allowing the depressive feelings and thoughts to be so that “in so doing, we might find a way into this emptiness of the heart” (p. 154).   Perhaps, if you experience grief and/or depression you can consider the idea of tending to your soul without judgment of that pain. Instead, reach out to friends, family, a mentor, or a grief counselor. Get the support you need at Bridger Peaks Counseling In Bozeman, MT, through depression counseling or grief counseling. We will provide you a place to accept and contain this gift, to embrace what it has to offer and teach you. 

Final Thoughts From A Grief Counselor in Bozeman, MT

To close, I will share my favorite quote from Moore:

“Hiding in the dark places results in the loss of the soul; speaking for them and from them offers a way toward genuine community and intimacy” (p. 148).

If you are struggling to tend to your soul know that you do not have to do it alone. As a depression therapist and grief counselor, I can guide you through the process and help you accept what “negative” and “bad feelings have to teach us.

Are You Ready to Start Depression or Grief Counseling in Bozeman, MT?

When going through times of grief or depression it can be hard to see the lessons that are available for us to learn. Instead of tending to our souls and embracing the process, it is easier for us to numb the “bad” or “negative” feelings. As a Bozeman grief counselor and depression therapist, I can provide you with a place of acceptance and containment. Giving you the support you need to tend to your soul. In order to start, depression counseling or grief counseling at Bridger Peaks Counseling follow these simple steps.

1. Contact us to speak with a caring therapist.

2. Schedule your first appointment at Bridger Peaks Counseling.

3. Start tending to your soul!

Other Mental Health Services At Bridger Peaks Counseling in Montana

In our Bozeman, MT-based therapy office, we strive to support all of your mental health needs. Our dedicated team of caring counselors in Montana can support you in person or through online therapy. We provide therapy for addiction, group therapy, teen counseling, and marriage counseling. In addition to EMDR, trauma therapy, postpartum support, rising strong workshops, and more. Connect with us today to start getting support!

References

Moore, T. (1992). Care of the Soul. Harper Collins, New York, NY.