Styles of Communication in Relationships

STYLES OF COMMUNICATION IN RELATIONSHIPS

A long-term Harvard study of health and happiness in humans indicates that our relationships and how happy we are in our relationships have a powerful influence on our health. The study has indicated that close relationships, more than money, fame, or other socially lauded markers of success, are what keep people happy and healthy throughout their lives, suggesting that investing in the wellness of our relationships is one of the best forms of self-care.

Fostering and maintaining relationships relies heavily on our ability to effectively communicate with the people in our lives. While every person has their unique way of communicating, there are 4 basic communication styles: passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive, and assertive.

Building the capacity to identify which type you gravitate toward and which ones your partners or friends utilize can be supportive in navigating conflict and enhancing bids for connection. Being intentional about the communication style you utilize in a given interaction can significantly impact the way the communication is received. Thus, it is important to understand each style and why people use them.

Passive:

The passive communicator is commonly seen as the wallflower, frequently yielding to others. Passive communicators often default to “bottling up” emotions, either out of deference to others or due to being unaware of or ignoring their own thoughts, feelings, and desires. This communication style presents itself as “easygoing,” when in reality, they are often avoidant of conflict and fearful of disapproval from others. This shows up in relationships as defaulting to the other’s desires, avoiding being the decision maker, and refusing to take the lead - this person is likely the one who answers, “I don’t care, whatever you feel like” when asked what they want to eat or how they want to spend the day.

Aggressive:

The aggressive communicator is hard to miss - they are the “steamrollers” of the conversation. This communication style is often emphasized by loud speaking voice, direct eye contact and dominating or controlling of the conversation. The aggressive communicator tends to override others’ opinions, make demands and be critical, even hostile. They can tend to dominate conversations and activities by blaming, intimidating, threatening or attacking others. This shows up in our relationships through yelling, not considering others’ feelings in the moment and refusing to back down - you will often hear all or nothing phrases like “It’s my way or the highway,” “It’s all your fault,” “You never do anything right.”

Passive-Aggressive:

The passive-aggressive communicator is the one that leave you feeling baffled or confused.

This communication style is usually a result of the person struggling to effectively voice their thoughts or emotions, which leads them to become frustrated, irritable, and resentful. This resentment is then acted out in an attempt to relieve their discomfort, coming across as indirect, critical, or sarcastic. This shows up as appearing indifferent when they are angry, denying a problem when it is clear they are upset - the difficulty acknowledging their emotions leads to non-verbals (facial expressions, body language) that don’t correlate with how they feel. The confusion of the mismatch of their body language and their words tends to alienate others. These communicators will be the ones giving you the silent treatment or undermining you behind your back.

Assertive:

The assertive communicator is the one who makes you feel heard and considered. Their style has openness, care, and strength without dominance. The assertive communicator can be considerate of differences while making their voice heard, without imposing on others. These communicators can express their own needs, ideas, desires, and feelings, while also considering those of the people around them. These communicators are not only great listeners, but they are equally equipped with confidence and security in sharing their opinions, thoughts, and feelings. Ultimately, they are good at having healthy boundaries when it comes to communication. The hallmark of an assertive communicator is that they can strike a balance between sharing and listening.

Assessing your own style:

While it is unlikely that you will be able to change someone else’s communication style, knowing how you interact and assessing your style of communication can support you in effective communication in your relationships. Understanding your style of communication can support you in making adjustments in your delivery if you find that your methods are clashing with your efforts to communicate with someone. A good place to start is to try and identify your default communication style - where do you land when you are not thinking about how you’re interacting? While being an assertive communicator is what we strive for, we may not naturally arrive there. Being able to be aware of your natural style of communication can be the first step in becoming more intentional about how we communicate, and thus, more effective in our relationships.

Slowing down:

If you are finding that you are struggling to communicate effectively, often the first step is to slow down. Take a pause before responding, regardless of what communication style your partner, colleague or friend has, as not feeling heard is the most common reason most people do not communicate effectively. If you can slow down and respond with intention, reflecting what you have heard back to the other, you leave room for them to clarify what you have misunderstood or confirm your accurate understanding, leaving less room for misunderstanding leading to conflict. The act of slowing down and pausing, allows you to respond rather than react - a great first step in moving toward assertive communication.

Feeling Stuck? Begin Relationship Coaching in Bozeman, MT

Effective communication can be challenging, but it’s a challenge worth facing knowing that so much of our health and happiness is a result of our ability to engage in and hold close relationships. If you are feeling that you need help to improve your communication, our team of caring therapists would be honored to help you build your skills.

You can start your therapy journey with Bridger Peaks Counseling by following these simple steps:

1. Contact us to speak with a staff member

2. Meet with a caring therapist

3. Start becoming the best version of yourself!

Other Therapy Services We Offer in Bozeman, MT

Our team of caring counselors at Bridger Peaks Counseling is happy to provide a variety of mental health services. Our team is happy to offer services including adult counseling, teen counseling, group therapy, rising strong workshops, and marriage counseling. Furthermore, we provide anxiety therapy, depression treatment, substance use counseling, and online grief counseling. Along with EMDR, postpartum depression support, body image therapy, and psychiatric care.

TIPS ON REIGNITING YOUR CONNECTION

WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR PARTNER STARTS TO FEEL LIKE A ROOMMATE

It hurts, after all this time together, when you realize your soulmate has started to feel more like a roommate. Maybe you’re not labeling your food with whose is whose, but neither are you as close as you once were.

After time together, life starts to settle in and it’s easy for us as couples to drift apart if we aren’t diligent and intentional in our actions in making sure we stay close and connected.

We often get so busy with our daily responsibilities we start taking each other for granted and just survive living side by side. But the goal of a relationship is not to just survive it. It’s important to keep our relationships healthy and strong.

To do this, we need to invest time and effort on a consistent basis.  Our relationships are important. We want to be close and connected. Try these tools to get there.

Be a Teammate and Work Together

When was the last time you worked side by side spending time working toward the same end goal? Where else do you, or have you worked as a teammate? In your career? On a sports team? Some of the things you do in these realms as a helpful teammate are the same things that can apply to home life and relationships. Be willing to compromise with each other to work together more successfully; each contributing your own unique strengths for a higher possibility of succeeding together.

Try to:

Resolve conflicts.

Let’s jump right in! You might be thinking, “Uh, if this were not already an issue, we wouldn’t be here! We are all bound to disagree sometimes. Stop! Listen to each other with an open mind and look for solutions in satisfying both of your needs. Working out your differences can bring you closer together. (Working from a safe space is the best bet for success in any communication! Here’s how)

Express gratitude.

Let your partner know how much you appreciate them. Praise them when they do something kind and tell them how they make your life more joyful. This can be hard when we are upset. Look for the things you appreciate about your person and spend some time focusing on these, then share them.

Know the definition of what you are fighting about.

Take money as an example. This is a common source of friction for many couples. Being honest with each other about your habits and expectations is important, but talk about your different definitions of what this means and looks like for each of you. One may feel there has to be a year’s worth of savings for security, while the other is looking to pay the bills each month and have a little extra on hand.  If you don’t know that what you’re fighting about has different meanings, the fight will feel cyclical. Start with a definition in conflict.

Set goals together.

Relationships thrive when partners evolve together. Talk about your values and dreams. Shared goals give a sense of purpose and direction. When your vision is clear, you can make concrete plans for how to spend your time and energy.

Make decisions, together.

The choices you make affect your partner too. Being able to reach an agreement on important matters demonstrates your trust and respect for each other. (Revisit the link on #1 if you’re unsure how to communicate through this.)

Plan, together.

While there are unexpected things happen in life. There are many transitions you can anticipate. So that you have more time to adjust, talk about, and be prepared for things like parenthood and retirement. Remember to define your words!

Living Together as a Couple

With a roommate, you’re probably satisfied if they pay their share of the bills and occasionally do their dishes and clean the bathroom. With a partner, we expect much more.

Try these:

Prioritize your relationship.

Keep the connection with your partner at the front of your mind and at the top of your to-do list. Building your connection comes first. Let go of little things. Focus on what you love about them.  I recall someone sharing with me that she was so bothered by her spouse walking “so loud!” She was after him about it and it was often an issue between them. When he suddenly passed, she told me she would give anything, not only to hear those footsteps, but take an open toothpaste tube on the counter, and more.

Think about the important things to address and talk about them in a way that will be helpful, not hurtful, to the relationship, and let the other things go. At the same time, do not allow yourself to be walked all over or your kindness to be taken advantage of.

Schedule vacations sometimes and date nights often.

Upset your norm by enjoying some time with one another free from daily stress. Take turns planning your date times. Have dinner and a movie at times and think of unusual ideas. It’s also okay to stay home at times. I often encourage couples to make a list. Under one category is “to do at home,” while under the other is “things to do away from home.” Start your list! The away things can be small enough for a date, and big enough for a vacation. Get away from the day-to-day norm.

Liven up your conversations.

When was the last time you talked about something other than issues at home, pets, or kids? Find out what your partner thinks about anything. Ask each other questions from what their favorite things are to what they want out of life.

Pursue your passions.

Do things alone AND together. Hopefully, you know what you enjoy. Do these things sometimes and find hobbies you both enjoy. Try badminton, building Legos or sign up for master’s classes and enjoy shared learning.

Consider relationship counseling or relationship coaching.

When you need more help seeing a professional therapist or licensed coach could enable you to change old habits, moving you forward more quickly in a positive direction with your relationship.

Bringing life back into a relationship is hard, but it can be worth it. You regain a companion who’s on your side and a partner to share your load, all without having to label your food!

Begin Working With A Bozeman Therapist

If you are feeling that you need help to improve your relationship, our team of caring therapists would be honored to help you in reigniting your relationship’s flame. You can start your therapy journey with Bridger Peaks Counseling by following these simple steps:

1. Contact us to speak with a staff member

2. Meet with a caring therapist

3. Start becoming the best version of yourself!

Other Services Offered with Bridger Peaks Counseling

Our team of caring counselors at Bridger Peaks Counseling is happy to provide a variety of mental health services. Our team is happy to offer adult counseling, teen counseling, group therapy, rising strong workshops, and marriage counseling. Furthermore, we provide anxiety therapy, depression treatment, substance use counseling, and online grief counseling. Along with EMDR, postpartum depression support, body image therapy, and psychiatric care.