Wildflowers

Where to start? Perhaps it feels easier to start thinking about wildflowers. It’s about this time of year I start to intensely miss the early summer days of bright green and abundant wildflowers. Wildflowers are some of my favorite things. They are designed to flourish. In supportive conditions, they will thrive, blooming bright, and creating beauty by just simply existing. Wildflowers innately contain not just the programming to survive, but the impulse to grow as bright and full as they can. Their growth is not arrogant or selfish, simply a fulfillment of their potential.

Perseverance Through Resilience

Conversely, in dry, hot, obstructive seasons wildflowers lack the conditions needed to reach their potential. It’s not any sort of inherent defect, simply an environmental deficit. They are also resilient, lying in wait under feet of snow all winter and persevering through the summer seasons that are less than ideal. I would suggest, pointing to a developmental neuroscience lens, that in these ways we are the same as wildflowers. Our core self is wired biologically for goodness from the beginning.

We Are Programmed For Success

From the get-go we are good. It’s controversial, but we can see evidence for this in our inherent capacity for compassion, connection, clarity, coherence, creativity, confidence, collaboration, and courage. We only need environments that provide us with the conditions in which these core traits can come to fruition. This means, as Hillary McBride frames it, “No one can give it to us, and no one can take it away. We can’t be saved from it, we can’t be so hurt and wounded it is lost forever. It may feel out of reach, but it never disappears forever.” This “it”, our core goodness and impulse to thrive, will not, and cannot leave us, no matter how far from it we may feel.

Our Environment and Experiences Impact Our Ability to Thrive

The conditions needed to thrive as seen in the neuroscience and attachment research are simply safety and attuned relational connection. I write “simply” knowing that they are far too often rare and unavailable to us. And so, in environments lacking safety or attuned relationships or both we develop in different ways. Because like the wildflowers we are resilient, we will survive. However, this survival will often come at a cost and mean developing emotional defensives and even dysregulation in an attempt to protect and support ourselves.

We Have the Power to Settle Our Defensives

We can relearn these ways though. Whether it means finding different coping skills or learning to feel and tolerate our feelings in ways that don’t hurt ourselves and others, we have the power to settle our defensives. Because let me repeat again, we cannot lose our core self, it will always be waiting under the defensives. The core self is full of potential waiting to have the space to be known in its goodness.

It is my hope that whether this idea of self feels buried under feet of snow frozen and lost, freshly sprouting, tentative and hopeful, or in full bloom, we might be diligent and persistent in seeking the places that help us to know its truth. The evidence shows that even the inner longing to be able to believe this truth is the very proof that our core self is inside at work and waiting to grow.

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As a therapist, I very often ask about my clients’ childhoods. What a person shares about their experience growing up gives me a lot of context about who they are. Some clients describe a “normal” or “good” childhood, telling me their parents were financially stable, went out of their way to drive them to extracurricular activities, made sure they attended good schools, etc. Interestingly, some of these same clients are skeptical of concepts most of us take for granted: that parents should be compassionate, gentle, and loving, no matter what; that parents shouldn’t expect sympathy and support from a young child, no matter what; that children deserve respect, privacy, and to be truly listened to, no matter what.

These clients, I frequently discover, were raised by at least one emotionally immature parent. Their basic needs were provided for, and in some cases, their family life appeared ideal to those outside it. To these clients, however, life at home was full of emotional chaos. They might have felt responsible for keeping their parent happy, even if it meant hiding their own feelings. Perhaps they feel trapped in an endless cycle of trying to be “good enough” even if it means compromising their own needs. Interacting with their parent tends to feel frustrating and invalidating, if they even keep in touch with them at all.

What Does An Emotionally Immature Parent Look Like?

Many parents with emotional immaturity manage the basic tasks of parenting just fine. They might even be highly involved in their children’s lives, such as leading the school PTA, coaching their kid’s soccer team, or planning elaborate birthday parties. The emotional tasks, like emotional regulation, empathy, and self-assurance are where they fall short. Common characteristics of an emotionally immature parent include:

● Inability to maintain or understand boundaries

● Low self-awareness

● Insensitivity and a lack of empathy

● Discomfort, anger, or dismissiveness towards others’ emotions

● Excessive need for reassurance, affection, and attention

● Extreme emotionality (may seem overly dramatic)

● Tendency to contradict themselves or alter the truth to fit their needs

● Mood changes that are rapid and unpredictable

● Difficulty recognizing nuance; seeing others and their intentions in black and white, “good” and “bad”

The effects of these behaviors on a child can be long-term and extensive. The child might not have had a chance to develop a sense of self apart from the parent, leading to feelings of emptiness, self-doubt, low self-esteem, and difficulty identifying their own needs. Without an example of how to effectively manage emotions, the child could become susceptible to anxiety or depression. Some children of emotionally immature parents learn to conceal their feelings, which helps provide emotional safety in early life but leads to relationship issues down the road. These are just some common outcomes - the effects are as varied as the clients who experience them.

How Can Adults Heal From These Adverse Effects?

Fortunately, each of these things can be addressed and the cycle of emotionally immature parenting can be broken. If the client wants to, it is sometimes even possible to create a more peaceful, rewarding dynamic with the parent. Here are some places to start:

Get to know yourself. Being acknowledged, supported, and understood as a unique individual is a part of healthy human development. If your parent was unable to provide that, you might have missed out on some important identity formation early in life. One option to remedy this is journaling; writing down and externalizing your thoughts and emotions helps to build self-awareness. You might try writing about your strengths, moments you felt passionate about a topic, or answers to hypothetical questions like “if I knew I wouldn’t fail, what career would I choose?”

Use your superpower. For several reasons, children who grow up with an emotionally immature parent typically learn to be highly aware of their parent’s emotional state. This awareness often leads to an exceptional level of empathic ability (in other words, having a knack for understanding how others feel). This can come in handy if you’re trying to make sense of how and why your parent hurt you. Emotional immaturity is most often connected to the parent’s own experiences being raised by an ineffective, neglectful, or abusive parent - they never learned the skills needed for healthy parenting. While their statements and actions might seem willfully cruel, it’s likely they truly did the best they could under the circumstances.

Lean into healthy relationships. On the other hand, you don’t have to make those same mistakes. Some of these effects can be “undone” by practicing and learning from more healthy connections with others. Think about who you spend your time with, and be mindful of how you feel around them. If you’re not sure about someone, it might be helpful to imagine having a tough conversation - maybe sharing something you’re ashamed of, or letting them know they hurt your feelings. How would they react? Would you feel supported and loved?

Adjust your expectations. If you’d like to maintain a relationship with your parent, it might be necessary to redefine what that looks like. You may have to accept some hard truths and let go of your hopes for a genuine emotional connection. It is perfectly normal and healthy to grieve the loss of the parent-child relationship you deserved - while working towards a less emotionally-charged, more rewarding reality.

Take advantage of professional help. You don’t have to do this alone. Regular meetings with a skilled therapist can give you the tools you need to process your experience, understand your choices, and move forward with intention. If you’re ready to take the next

Designed to Flourish