Connecting with Family in Happiness Butte, MT

What is family life like around your house? Is it like the commercials with everyone running around, laughing, joy spreading? Maybe there is a lot of anger, hurt, and arguing. Or maybe your home and family life are somewhere between the two? 

Humans Are Wired to Connect

Brene Brown teaches us that, as humans, we are wired to connect (2013). If we are not connecting, we are hurting, which is often why discord in a family and home can be so hard. We need to connect in a healthy, happy way with those in our circle if we can!

That being said, remember, that conflicts are a natural part of family life and relationships. Conflicts are not a marker of whether a family can be happy or not. In fact, they can be quite beneficial when handled kindly and constructively. Though it is much easier said than done for sure! 

The Need for a Safe Place to Share

There is a need for a safe place to be provided in order for children to want to share with us as parents. If we are shaming, blaming, forcing them to share, or dismissing them in the time they want with us, that is not a safe place for them to come to.

The Relationship Bank

Think of the relationship as a bank. The more time you spend together, the more you do together in a way that feels safe and comfortable, and the more “deposits” are put into the relationship bank. The less time you spend together, or the more angry and more unsafe the relationship is the smaller the number of deposits put in the account. If this is the case, when there is a fight or anger, a “withdrawal” is made.

Prevent the Pain of Big Withdrawals by Filling the Bank

Think about how hurtful a big withdrawal is when an account is nearly empty. Ouch! On the other side, if the same size of withdrawal is made from a full account, it is much less painful. This is not to say any anger or disruption in the relationship is not hurtful, it is! Only that it hurts less, needs less repair, and is easier to manage when we have more in the account.

So how do we fill our relationship account? As a counselor, these are things I have seen work for couples, families, and relationships.

Spend Time Together!!!

Strong relationships need time and effort. There is a need for small deposits (think daily rituals) and a need for large deposits (think vacations).

Eat Together as a Family

Eat as a family once a day. Mealtimes are a great opportunity for staying in touch and sharing conversations. Try to eat together once a day. If you’re eating dinner together, ask for each person’s Peak and Valley, or Rose and Thorn for the day. If you’re eating breakfast, ask for the previous day's review. Remember, this is a place to be free of negative tone and judgment. Accept what family members are sharing.

Connect Personally and Individually

In addition to family dinners and outings, schedule one-on-one time with your partner and each of your children. While making weekly dates a priority with your partner, take turns taking your children on dates as well. This tradition can make a difference for a child, especially if they are going through something out of the ordinary. That one-on-one time can really make a difference in their life. You might even see their behavior change almost immediately. I know I have seen it happen!

Stay Active Together

Stay active. Like many families, you may be texting or watching TV even while in the same room. Put aside any passive entertainment to do something together. Think outside (the Caverns, bike rides, walks). Think inside (the museum, crafts together, making a list of things to do).

Have Fun Together!

Do you know if it is really okay to enjoy life together and feel happiness? I ask because, though we say it is ok, oftentimes we sabotage ourselves and don’t allow for happiness and joy in fun and life. Try giving yourself permission to accept these things. Make family gatherings and activities something you look forward to. Consider everyone’s interests when you’re planning meals, dates, vacations, etc. Remember, things don’t only have to be done one way. Let everyone take a turn at ideas and ask kindly for their thoughts on how to implement them. 

Communicate Kindly!!!

Listen. Give your family members your full attention when they have something to say. Keep an open mind and resist the urge to interrupt. Put the phone down and use eye contact, questions, and gestures to show you’re interested and engaged. 

Give Validation

You can acknowledge each other’s feelings even when you disagree. Let your partner and children know you care about their concerns without interruption or correction. Share your own similar experiences when appropriate to the conversation, but don’t try to “outdo” them.

Remember Choice and Balance

While family power dynamics are natural, you can still work at treating everyone fairly. Give children choices and ask for their input as much as possible. Children are often controlled and do not get a lot of choices in their lives. At home, school, the bus, sports, and anywhere they go, they are told what to do. We do better as humans if we are given a choice. What can you do in your family to create a healthy frame and allow choice at the same time? (Ex: your frame is a child must shower each day. Their choice within that frame, is to face the wall or the nozzle, the blue towel or the green towel, etc.).

Offer Praise

Ask yourself if it is okay to offer praise. Many of us were raised to believe giving praise was not an effective method. Try to appreciate the unique strengths and abilities of each family member. Encourage your partner to talk about their accomplishments at work, and be excited with them. Tell your children that you’re proud of them when they complete their homework or share their toys. Watch for reasons to praise them, not cut them down.

Teach the Tools and Skills You Are Practicing

Show your children how to resolve conflicts and talk about sensitive subjects with what you have learned here. If you would like more direction, click here!

A Few More Tools!!!

Create Rituals

Gottman (1999) talks about the importance of creating traditions and rituals within our relationships. From larger holiday traditions to nightly bedtime stories or table talk, these activities encourage connection and are often deposits in your bank. Develop your own practices that will reinforce your family values, giving everyone a stronger sense of belonging.

Everyone Does Their Part

Families are more connected when everyone contributes. Let your children know what a big difference it makes when they do their part to contribute. Try to pay attention to each one’s age, talents, and goals, then implement those here.

Plan and Prepare When Able

When you can anticipate events that may be challenging for your family to handle, plan ahead. Think about visitors that maybe he hard to enjoy, a teen breaking the rules, and other family issues. If you are able to work a plan together before the issues come up, we can feel more confident and connected.

Consider Counseling

When you feel like you need more help, or think an outside perspective could shed light on a recurring issue, consider therapy. Family counseling and therapy could reveal new options and give you additional tools for dealing with difficult situations, and the new perspective of a Therapist can often help identify problem patterns of behavior.

You can change unhealthy family dynamics, replace tension and arguments with collaboration and respectful conversation, and nurture a home environment that creates peace and happiness when you use these tools.

Begin Butte Counseling Services, With Bridger Peaks!

You can gain support to live the life you want in Butte, MT. By surrounding yourself with Butte's natural beauty and gaining support from our experienced team of mental health professionals, you can be confident that you have the tools and resources to help you on your journey. Whether we support you online or in person, we look forward to being part of your journey at our Bozeman, MT trauma counseling clinic. If you still have questions, we would love for you to read our FAQ page as well. Then, to get started, simply:

1. Make an appointment online

2. Meet with one of our caring, professional therapists

3. Begin moving forward on your journey toward healing and self-empowerment!



Additional Online Mental Health Services in Montana

From our Bozeman counseling clinic, our therapists can help you through a number of issues including anxiety, worry, stress, depression, and more. Our caring team of therapists and professional mental health staff are here for you and your loved ones. Visit us for addiction treatment, group counseling sessions, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing for trauma therapy, body image counseling, opportunities to explore coping patterns, marriage counseling and couples therapy, postpartum depression and anxiety counseling, mindfulness training, workshops, and more tools for client education. In addition to counseling, we also offer psychiatric care. We look forward to talking with you soon!

Resources:
Brown, B. (2013). Daring greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead. London, England: Portfolio Penguin.

Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country’s foremost relationship expert. New York, NY: Three Rivers Press.

Healing Trauma Through Connection in Butte, MT

Think about a moment when you were going through something difficult.  What happened when you reached out to a trusted person, and they didn’t understand?  Most people will say this experience is frustrating, upsetting, or lonely.  Now think about a moment you were having a difficult time and the person did get it.  How did that feel?  Many people will say they feel calmer, relieved, understood, and seen.  At our Butte, MT office, as a trauma therapist, I specialize in working with people who have experienced trauma stemming from a lack of support and connection.

What is Secure Attachment?

The feeling of being seen, accepted, and connected is the experience of secure attachment.  When a crying infant is picked up and fed, satisfying the pain of hunger, the baby feels a secure connection.  When a toddler falls and skins his knee, he might reach out to a nearby caregiver for comfort.  A gentle hug and cleanup of the injury tell the child his feelings matter in that moment.  When a teen texts a parent and says, “I made the team!” and the parent says, “I’m so proud of you,” there is security in the relationship.  These moments are examples that help the growing child become an adult who can emotionally regulate experiences of life.  

A Secure Relationship With a Caregiver Allows Children to Improve Emotional Regulation Throughout Their Lives

I think we can all think of examples from our lives when an adult or caregiver did not provide a secure response.  Sometimes caregivers or adults talked us out of our feelings because the caregiver was uncomfortable with the emotion.  Well-meaning comments like, “Cheer up” or “Don’t be sad” involve asking children to change how they are feeling.  However, it turns out that we learn to regulate our feelings more easily when our emotions are understood.  A secure relationship with a caregiver in childhood improves our ability to emotionally regulate as teens and into adulthood.  

Trauma Experiences and the Role of Connection

There are experiences that can occur in childhood or adulthood that overwhelm our autonomic nervous system.  Trauma is an event that leaves us feeling changed and different from what we were before the event.  Experiences like natural disasters, severe accidents or injuries, loss of loved ones, abuse, or chronic neglect are some examples of traumas. Our autonomic nervous system is wired to keep us connected.  When our nervous system sends cues that we are safe, we are able to be socially engaged with others.  Connection helps us reach out to others for support when we need to emotionally regulate.  However, a traumatic experience can alter the autonomic nervous system to be wired for protection and keep us away from a connection.  When our nervous system detects a threat, we naturally respond with fight, flight, or freeze.  These are protective actions to keep us alive.  

A Loss In Connection Results in Less Secure Relationships

When there is a loss of connection, it’s understandable to see how relationships become less secure.  Trauma is a disrupter of connection, and we need a connection to feel secure.  If we don’t have moments of security to promote attachment, then emotional regulation becomes more difficult.  Helping our autonomic nervous system means repairing connections.  Repairing connection means helping people feel understood, seen, and safe.  

Here are some tips to promote safety, security, and connection in relationships after trauma: 

• Work to recognize the feeling a person is sharing.

• Resist the urge to fix things for the person. 

• Explore opportunities for social connection and engagement such as: playing games, going for a walk, working on a puzzle together, coloring or drawing together, or getting a cup of coffee together.

• With children, remain present and engaged with the child during play.  Support free play that allows the child to expand their own imagination without interference from caregivers.

• Support a person learning what promotes feelings of safety (within their environment, within relationships, and within their bodies).

• Promote feelings of consistency by having predictable routines. 

• Celebrate and provide positive feedback when the person uses social support for emotional regulation.  

If You Have Experienced Trauma and Are Ready to Begin the Healing Process, Trauma Therapy in Butte, MT is Here to Support You.

Sarah Bernhardt is serving the Butte community by counseling people of all ages who have experienced trauma, anxiety, depression, attachment-related concerns, and parenting issues. She is trained in EMDR, Child Parent Psychotherapy, Circle of Security-Parenting, Core Sensitives, Polyvagal Theory, and Play Therapy. Sarah is primarily person-centered, and attachment-focused, with elements of cognitive-behavioral therapy and mindfulness.

Make an appointment online

1. Meet with one of our caring, professional therapists

2. Begin moving forward on your journey toward healing and self-empowerment!



Additional Online Mental Health Services in Montana

From our Montana counseling clinics, our therapists can help you through a number of issues including anxiety, worry, stress, depression, and more. Our caring team of therapists and professional mental health staff are here for you and your loved ones. Visit us for addiction treatment, group counseling sessions, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing for trauma therapy, body image counseling, opportunities to explore coping patterns, marriage counseling and couples therapy, postpartum depression and anxiety counseling, mindfulness training, workshops, and more tools for client education. In addition to counseling, we also offer psychiatric care. We look forward to talking with you soon!